Today is my birthday. I slept in, talked to my son in Wyoming and my Mom on the phone, enjoyed a deluxe pedicure (hot-rock leg massage), laid in the sun, swam in a pool, played with my husband and kids, endured a sudden and vicious foot cramp (at least it wasn't in the middle of Costco this time), laid in the sun recovering, floated like a jellyfish, ate a perfectly grilled hot dog, Skyped with my beautiful daughter, son, and grandchildren, broke down in tears after they said goodbye because Carly was crying too and I miss them so much, cheered myself up by eating a perfectly constructed banana split, then put a perfectly tired little boy to sleep. THEN I opened some thoughtful, perfect gifts. What a full day. Thank you, Mary, for letting us use your pool. Thank you, Laura and Sara for the pedicure. Thank you Brandon for the yummy dinner and new toys. Thank you, kids, for all the smiles. Thank you, friends, for all of your Birthday wishes. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for giving me such a contented heart on this day.
I hinted for these. I've actually read the first one--on my phone.
I wanted the heft of the paperbacks.
He also got me the companion novella,
A Slow Regard of Silent Things. Can't wait.
And then . . .
Yes! A new laptop!!! It's so shiny and speedy and not dying a rapid death!
Hey, Hi. It's occurred to me that I haven't posted since September. I was shocked to see that. Not because I'm so punctual when it comes to this blog, but because it seems like only a couple of months ago that I was posting about Jacob's football season. So much has happened--things kind of derailed at the end of football season, so I thought instead of a long, drawn-out explanation of things, I'd just make a bullet list and try not to meander...as I tend to do.
My back took a turn for the worse. Probably because of all the extra work of a toddler. My injured back was injured more and nose-dived around Halloween. I didn't get to take Will trick-or-treating. He was a little dragon. My costume was "writer with a back injury." Brandon stepped up (a sign of things to come) and took Will around the cul-de-sac. They both loved it. Will was astonished by candy bars.
After an MRI it was determined that I (finally) needed surgery to repair a collapsed disc. The image was scary. I was very eager to have it fixed. Surgery was scheduled for January 12, 2016.
My sister hosted Thanksgiving. It was the first time I didn't bring pie. Or maybe I did. I don't remember. I was on heavy painkillers. I do know I brought one of the turkeys. It was beautiful and the whole dinner was delicious. I remember Will hated his port-a-crib and I got two hours of sleep between 6-8 am, when Brandon finally took him out of the room. It was his first time staying somewhere else since we brought him home. I don't remember much else.
Will's first Christmas was so fun. I'll do a separate blog post for that. It was wonderful to have a little one seeing his first Christmas. The older kids were awesome. We got to Skype with Braeden from Riga, Latvia. Lots of laughter and gratitude. I made our traditional chiles rellenos dinner, but this time I had lots of help.
Chelsea, Matt, and Carly came for the week of New Years. They got to meet Will for the first time! Carly and Will were shy at first, but they recognized each other from our Skype sessions. Then they were pretty inseparable/adorable. We got lots of snow! The kids had lots of snow play in the yard. Will loves snow. It was sad to say good bye.
My surgery (my first ever) went well. So weird to be awake and blinking one minute and then waking up to a new world--a world of agonizing fire the size of a basketball in your back. They hurried and got the pain meds in me. Gah. I went home an hour post-surgery. I had my phone alarms set for meds. Brandon took really good care of me that first week. I don't really remember it. My surgery was on Tuesday. The next morning I said, "It's Wednesday, right?" He said, "It's Friday." He must have taken really good care of me.
A week after my surgery, Braeden returned home from his 2-year mission in the Baltics. I didn't get to go to the airport, so I waited at home. I was using a walker at this point but couldn't get in a car. My friends Sara and Laura went and took lots of pictures and video. Yay for friends! When Braeden came to the door, and I was able to hold him, it felt like a piece of my heart was in its place again. He stayed by my side and talked to me a lot while I rested.
The following week, Brandon had to return to work and Braeden was job hunting, so Will and I went to my mom and dad's house. That was a dream. They both took such excellent care of me and Will. The craziest thing was when they set up our (me and my sibling's) old crib for Will! They still had it! They helped me through tears, we laughed, they made sure I rested and exercised, and fed me a lot of really good food. Will absolutely loved it there. I stayed for two weeks. I did a lot of healing, inside and out.
My second grandchild, Brady Robert Bare, was born on February 10. He's adorable and has the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. It broke my heart not to be there, but Matt's mom, Gigi, was able to be there and help Chelsea afterward. I'm so grateful for good, helping mothers.
Back home, Braeden had found an afternoon-to-late-hours job, so he was able to take care of Will (and finally get to know his new brother) and me until Will's naptime. Maren would come home from school after that. Braeden went from never having changed a diaper to being Mr. Mom. It was great. I was up to walking 0.9 miles in 40 minutes. That's the lowest speed on the treadmill, but the fact that I could be upright and walking for 40 minutes was awesome. I was starting gentle yoga. My back pain had gone from a burning sack of lava to two small jagged rocks pressing against each other. I was pleased with that.
Most of my family and some of Brandon's family were able to come for Will's baby blessing. I was worried about Will having a meltdown during the blessing, I prayed about it. My answer came simply: Have Will shake hands and say the name of all the men taking part in the blessing, and then give him a cookie while he sits on Grampa Anglesey's (my dad's) lap. Maren made cookies that morning. It worked beautifully. Brandon gave him a blessing while Will happily munched on a big homemade cookie on Grampa's lap, surrounded by all these friends he'd just greeted. And know what? The cookie was made by Gramma A, Because they'd had the same idea. Will ate Maren's cookie afterward. :)
That same Sunday, Braeden gave his mission homecoming talk. It was a memorable day, and the first day I'd been to church since December. The family came over for food after. I loved that. I love my house full of people.
Late February something went really wrong. I had a sore throat and slight fever, no biggie. Then one night my legs started burning, like they were on fire. By morning the fire had spread through my whole body and by the next morning every joint--from my toes, ankles, knees to every joint and knuckle in my hands were frozen hot. On top of this, it felt like every nerve in my body was plugged into an electric generator. I couldn't move. My muscles were slack and I was terrified. I called the doctor and he could see me in two days. I would spend an hour working out the stiffness in my joints enough so someone could help me out of bed to use the bathroom. I walked like a drunk robot, having to really focus on my muscles for them to move. I couldn't raise my arms to eat. I had no appetite. I lost 6 lbs in a week. One night my breathing was very soft and shallow. I felt like a burning husk. My eyes teared constantly. I was scared. I took stock of my life and thought I'd done okay. Dramatic, I know, but that's what I did.
The doctor referred me back to my surgeon as soon as possible. In the meantime, he prescribed me Neurontin. It helped dial back the burning and I no longer woke up with frozen joints. It smoothed out my movement. It helped me sleep. I love Neurontin. I still felt a continual buzz coursing through my nerves, and the whole inside of my mouth and my tongue tingled like pop rocks.
The next week my surgeon referred me to a neurologist. The appointment was at the end of May, two months out. He guessed that a virus was attacking my nervous system. So I had two months to dwell on that. I had a brain MRI and blood work. Both came back normal.
Physically, I had to start back at the beginning, walking 10 minutes, completely exhausted after. I'm so grateful Braeden was home for a while before going to BYU for spring semester. And Brandon totally stepped up to take care of anything else on top of his own demanding responsibilities. He became Super Brandon. He did things I didn't know he could do. He's been holding out. ;) I love Super Brandon.
I couldn't write anything during all of this time. The pain would just overpower any focus. I could barely read. The medicines made me tired. The idea of writing romance was as far away from me as was running a marathon. My publisher, Covenant, was so patient with me, moving my deadline dates further and further ahead, and encouraging me to put myself and my family first. Thank you, Covenant.
Separate from the nerve issue, my back was getting lots of rest, and gratefully, continued to strengthen. So much so that as long as I was careful and didn't lose my balance or get jostled, the back pain became secondary to everything else. That was helpful, and as the pain subsided, I was able to focus and start writing again. As long as I could stay awake. I started back up on the novel I'd had to abandon, and the words came.
Braeden left for college. Brandon took him to Provo and that weekend they were able to attend Brady's baby blessing. I missed them both. I missed them all.
Jacob gashed his shin open on a hurdle. For the first time ever, I took Jacob to the hospital. For the first time ever, I saw my kid's bone. Kinda cool. I'll spare you the pics. We were there for 4.5 hours and I didn't bring my pain meds. He sang songs to me while we waited. My favorite was Pat Benatar's "We Belong." We were both hobbling back to the car when all was done. But we were rock stars.
Maren's knee caps had been randomly popping out over the past year. Very painful. She'd shove them back in and cry and we'd get her on ice and ibuprofen. It was becoming more frequent. The doctor took xrays and found both of her patellas are an inch too high. She'll need surgery on both knees. We're enjoying trips to the PT as they strengthen her up in preparation for that. Hooray. O_O
Will has been a champ with all of this transition. When I was down, he'd bring me books to read and pretend meals from his kitchen. He'd say, "Mommy back hurt." Or "Cheek?" and I'd lean as best as I could while he reached up and rub my cheek softly, saying, "It's okay. It's okay." Melt. My. Heart.
I worked hard to keep walking and tone up my muscles the best I could. Brandon and I decided that I would fly to Provo the first week of May and attend a day of my favorite writers conference and see my friends, and then spend a few days with Chelsea and her family, Braeden, and finally hold my grandson. Physically, the trip wore me out. Emotionally, it was very healing. I loved it. My friend Sarah Eden loaned me her cane, and I'm so glad she did. By the end of my conference day I could hardly walk, but without the cane I would have been done a lot sooner. Hooray for the cane brigade!
I'm skipping to the end, because really I've just been resting and exercising and waiting for my neurologist appointment without trying to self-diagnose with unnerving online information.
NEUROLOGIST APPOINTMENT: The neurologist suspected either a lesion on my spinal cord (formed as I healed from surgery), or a virus attacking my myelin sheath (the protective covering of the nerves themselves). I had another MRI of my back to look for signs of lesions. We looked over all my other images, too. That was trippy, seeing side and top cross-sections of my head. Hello, eyeballs. You are HUGE. Anyway, it all looked clean. My back is healing well, nice spaces there. No signs of lesions anywhere. Which is GREAT, but he had to go back to my symptoms and test results.
Diagnosis: Transverse Myelitis. Which means a virus (or trauma of some kind) compromised the myelin sheath. It will take a long time (months to years) to heal. But the odds are very good that I will heal. Here's how I explained it to my family:
The neurologist compared it to hitting your funny bone (on a much larger scale). Something hit my nervous system and the onset was big and painful and rendered me pretty useless for a time. Then that twangy pain spread out to the rest of my body and is lingering. I thought that was a pretty fair comparison. Another description of how it affects my nervous system is that the connection between my brain and nerves is interfered with like static on a phone line.
SO. There's no cure. I just keep working at getting stronger. Exercise. Be careful. Vitamins. I'll probably add oils, too. It may take months-years, and the tingling sensation might never go away. But I should regain my strength and coordination as my myelin sheath heals. And that's good.
And that's where we are now. It's been two days since the diagnosis and a few things have been running through my mind. 1) I'm grateful to have a "something" to work toward instead of a blank. 2) I'm so grateful to those who've stepped up to help me and my family. 3) It's incredible how the absolutely important things rise to the top and the rest fades away simply because you are rendered incapable. It's a paradox, how freeing and how caging it feels. 4) You. My friends and family, and all of those who've prayed on my behalf, who are still praying, and who are wondering how I'm doing and hoping I'm okay. That's why I wrote this post. Because I know you're wondering. I'm overwhelmed by the number of you who care. But knowing that has buoyed me and helped me work harder.
So I'll keep working. And counting blessings. And doing what I always do.
I finally uploaded this video and I'm amazed at the changes in Will since we first met him on July 20. In a lot of ways he was more like a 9-month old baby on that day and even that first week, instead of a 25-month old little boy. I can see his detachment and discomfort (not surprising considering he was just passed off to strangers), the way he's leaning away and even his legs are not engaged in being held. Now when we hold him we note his "tree frog" grip. Even his toes grip us tight, and his arms rest on our necks as he is happily packed here and there, asking us what everything is called. In the video he only makes eye-contact a few times. But I also see glimpses of the toddler just waiting for a chance to be heard, listened to, taught. I see a brave little boy who is choosing to observe and wait and see what exactly is happening before he allows fear to take over his emotions. It did, eventually, and what a road we've had facing those fears. But he didn't let it keep him from coming to us, and that was brave.
I simply handed him a toy car, and he was willing to come right to me. And when it was time to leave that chaotic room and see what was outside, he was willing to come with us again. He's an explorer. An observer. A question-asker. A risk-taker. Thank goodness.
I prefer watching this video without the sound. The sounds of that room and China still make me a little nuts. But I'm in total caregiver mode asking those questions. That's pretty much all the info we got. But Brandon, Will, and I had each other and we did what we could with experience and what we'd studied, and focused on what worked and what didn't. He's a different little boy now. Not totally, but it's like he'd been bucked off-track the first two years and now he's returned to becoming himself. He's finally turning over his "inner parent" to us, and trusting us to do that job for him, and to do it better. That alone has eliminated half the battles, and he's having a childhood. He plays, he laughs, he pushes boundaries and his body, and if he gets frustrated or hurt, he turns it over to us. Mama will help. Dada will make it better. Will will be okay. Will isn't alone anymore. Will has Mama, Dada, Meh-en, Eckob, Dog, and Beh. He looks at family pictures and knows Chessa, M't, A-Car, Bampa, Bamba, and Sheh. He hears Brodie barking at the front door and goes running to see who's there, and squeals in utter, really LOUD delight when it's Dada or Eckob or anyone from his little tribe. That's right, now we have the dog barking AND the baby screaming at the front door when somebody comes. WELCOME. We are so excited to have you WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE'RE CUUUUUTE.
He is a sweet little man. I recently read on an adoption blog, addressing the traumatic state of your adoption those first days, that "the child you get in China is not your child." It's true. They find themselves later. They just need to be given that chance.
I wanted to take some new video to post with the Gotcha Day video, so yesterday I took the camera outside. He got pretty quiet for the camera, but we had fun exploring, This is a pretty typical day out back with Willster. (Please ignore the space of dirt where the pool used to be. We're getting sod put down soon! I hope...)
What we're seeing:
GROWTH: Will has grown from being in the less-than-3% in weight and height, to 6% in weight and 12% in height. Everything is looking good in his development. We are humbled and grateful. He loves to move that little body. If his bathtime play is any indication, he should be a little swimmer next summer.
SLEEP: He's taking his bottle again. 6oz of warm whole milk (with a scoop of formula added until the container is empty) for nap and bedtime. He's doing great with sleep. He rarely wakes up at night, now. HOORAY.
REGULATION: Today was Will's first full day of church. All three hours. His behavior is very typically toddler, and that's great. He likes nursery and interacts pretty nicely with the kids. He offers them cars and gives them back things they've dropped. Today he pushed a wooden ring back and forth across the table with a little girl. I'm happy to see he gets along well with others his age. He had moments of potential meltdown, but there was always some distraction and he pushed through it okay. We kept bear handy just in case, and used it a few times, but overall, he seems to really like it in there. HOORAY. It definitely helps that my new church job is nursery assistant. Perfect!
Last week we took Will to Sacrament meeting and then a little preview of nursery.
He seemed to accept it as just part of what we do. Because we're a family.
Also, couldn't you just squish him?
COMMUNICATION: Will is pretending to talk on his toy phone. He says, "Haloo." Then nods his head like he's listening. Then he says some gibberish, then hands the phone off to someone else to say "Haloo." He started this after talking to my mom and then Chelsea on the phone. It's adorable. New words: tah...tah...tah (hot; this is whispered), tee (eat), Bampa/Bamba (Grampa and Gramma), Sheh (Shelli), gwink-oo (thank you), quock (clock), sit (kiss), nigh (good night), lebelblelblelbel (Llama Llama), MEEEEEYA...MEEEEEEYA (Come here! It's usually yelled from somewhere I am not. I noticed I say it a lot in the videos, ha).
Happy Anniversary, Will. It has all been totally worth it.
In the Lord's time. Right? Isn't that what I've been learning? In the Lord's time. What about cookie time...?
While we wait for Travel Approval (which, by the looks of things should come this week) I've been busy. And I hesitate to share. Because part of me says, "Wait, because it might fall through. Wait, because last time you shared everything and it fell apart. Wait, because it's a risk. It's all such a risk."
But I made these things and I'm filling time and I'm preparing anyway. It's that whole "try" thing. I have to try. Again. So here we go again. And we're so close. And I want to give people hope. People who might have had things fall through. People who might be afraid to try again. People who are praying for us.
So I'll share.
I searched high and low for a baby book for adoptive families. I found very few, but I really like this one. I'm eager to start filling it in for Will, but I can't bring myself to start it until we have him in China. Until the papers are signed and he's ours.
But I can't wait to fill it in. All of our kids have a baby book. I at least did that.
I finally made a crib quilt. All the other kids had so many blankets and quilts. Will has three. So I made him this and I'm working on another, because who doesn't like soft comfy blankies?
I had a coupon for a free photo book from Shutterfly. So I gathered some pics and made one for Will. We'll take it to China and look through it and hopefully get him used to seeing our faces. Again, I made one of these for XinQin, so it's kind of hard to share it, but it's a sweet little book.
It makes me smile.
Many people might say we are almost there. We are almost to the finish.
But I know better.
We will be strangers to Will. We look different, we smell different, we sound different. People who have cared for him, who he has seen every day, who have fed him and put him to bed will be handing him over to us. He will, naturally, not be sure of us. We don't plan on getting much sleep. We do plan on comforting him and showing him he can trust us to be good to him, to feed him, to love him. To make him smile. To play.
To not leave him alone.
His little body will need to adjust to our food, our drink, our medicine. Our time zone.
These are not things I worry about. Much. He is very young, and in that way, time is on our side.
But when people say we are almost to the finish, I know better.
Never have I been more excited for him and more torn up because he's leaving. *rips out heart* "Here, take it. It loves you." #missionarymom
Some of you may remember when Braeden received his mission call. That was back in September. Four months is a long time to wait between call and reporting at the Missionary Training Center. He decided, with the move, that he would work and earn the money he needed. By the time he left, he'd earned his money, and he was chomping at the bit. He'd left his friends in Cody, his job was not the greatest after he transferred to Yakima, but he was grateful for that paycheck, and our barely social boy hesitated in making new friends in the YA scene when he knew he'd be leaving.
But this extra time with him was so necessary. We had big things happening. Aren't the top 5 biggest life stressors Moving, New Job, Adoption, Writing Deadlines, and Working at Walmart? Okay, maybe only one or two of those are right, but holy smokes, it was nice to have my "calm in the chaos" that is my son Braeden through all of this madness. I'm claiming this one: the Lord kept him here for me. Braeden has his quirks, but he is more like me than the other kids, and he has an uncanny sense to know when I need a hug, when I need him to make me smile or laugh, when I need space, and when I need a hand on my arm and an offer of help. He gets my doors for me, will spontaneously take my hand and dance me around the kitchen, and serenade me when I'm not feeling well. We have awesome discussions. He will throw a chocolate at me from across the room, or offer me one of his ginger ales if he's ticked me off. We laugh at the same jokes, we make the same jokes, and we are NOT morning people. I'm his mom, and he can be infuriating, but he's in my top Best Friends list. Top.
I was fine as the days started getting crossed off the calendar and his "things to pack" list was filled up with check marks. I was excited for him. He was finally doing what he'd been dreaming about for years. I knew he was doing the right thing! It was finally time! And most of me just chose to simply get the things checked off like any other list, because if I thought too long about him leaving I got really choked up really fast. So, we concentrated on the to-dos. And that was good. And I was fine until the day before we were to take him to the airport. I went up to his room to bring something to the suitcase piles downstairs. And I entered the room, in some disarray from the attacking of the closets and drawers, paper piles, laundry, and memory things to box up. But it was an emptied-out disarray. And it hit me hard. He was three again, my little Bwaeden Ewwol Jensen, going to run across the street and into the woods and I wouldn't be able to find him for a long long time. So I broke down and cried.
But of course, I got through it and we took a little break, then finished the packing and we went out to eat and laughed and talked and goofed off until I was so exhausted I did sleep.
We let the kids take the morning off school so they could be at the airport. Braeden asked me to help him pick out his tie. We all put on our brave faces and drank in his excitement. He was all smiles and eagerness and nervousness. It was wonderful to watch. It helped to know that Chelsea and baby Carly would be on the receiving end of that flight. Chelsea and Matt had planned a pot roast dinner and game night, a french toast breakfast in the morning, and then they were taking him to the MTC. Somehow, knowing that helped. The other thing that kept me together was that Maren was kind of a wreck, so I had to be brave for her. :)
We gave him his last hugs and we had a hard time letting go. He was very tolerant. But then it was time. I expected Brandon to suggest we leave soon after, but he just kept watching the gate area where we could still see Braeden through the glass waiting to board, and then we could see him go out onto the tarmac, and then up the stairs and into the plane. And that was when Jacob and Maren lost it. When we couldn't see him anymore.
Jacob recovered himself pretty quickly, but Maren had a hard time, and was still sniffling when Dad walked her into her school.
Rough stuff this saying goodbye.
I was so excited for Braeden to fly. This was his first commercial flight. I just knew he'd be loving it. I was so excited for him to start learning Russian. I was so excited for him to have to get up early every morning and work his tail off. :) I was so excited for him to learn to serve others as he never has before, and to hear of the changes he experiences in his life and the lives of others.
And I was so torn up inside. I didn't like the feeling at all. Two extremes pulling at each other inside me. I'm the kind of person who just likes everything inside me to get along.
We have heard from him, of course. He sounds wonderful! He loves it. His teachers are impressed with how he's picking up the language. He is being challenged in good ways. He is doing everything I would wish for him to be doing right now. And that makes it not too bad, and I'm thankful and happy. The house is so quiet. But there are lots of things to work on. So I pray a lot and write letters late at night.
After we said goodbye to Elder Jensen, I had 1 1/2 days to feel sad and work through the "letting go", and then I had to pick up and refocus. We had three days until our home study visit and the house needed me!
I'll share more about that in my next post. For now, here are some pictures.
I made a Latvian meal of Beet Soup with Sour Cream, Crumb-fried Pork Chops, and Latvian Potato Salad.
They loved it!
Cousin Tanner came over and spent a few days with us before Braeden left.
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