Climbing

photo by skeez. public domain.

Hey, Hi. It's occurred to me that I haven't posted since September. I was shocked to see that. Not because I'm so punctual when it comes to this blog, but because it seems like only a couple of months ago that I was posting about Jacob's football season. So much has happened--things kind of derailed at the end of football season, so I thought instead of a long, drawn-out explanation of things, I'd just make a bullet list and try not to meander...as I tend to do.

• My back took a turn for the worse. Probably because of all the extra work of a toddler. My injured back was injured more and nose-dived around Halloween. I didn't get to take Will trick-or-treating. He was a little dragon. My costume was "writer with a back injury." Brandon stepped up (a sign of things to come) and took Will around the cul-de-sac. They both loved it. Will was astonished by candy bars.
• After an MRI it was determined that I (finally) needed surgery to repair a collapsed disc. The image was scary. I was very eager to have it fixed. Surgery was scheduled for January 12, 2016.
• My sister hosted Thanksgiving. It was the first time I didn't bring pie. Or maybe I did. I don't remember. I was on heavy painkillers. I do know I brought one of the turkeys. It was beautiful and the whole dinner was delicious. I remember Will hated his port-a-crib and I got two hours of sleep between 6-8 am, when Brandon finally took him out of the room. It was his first time staying somewhere else since we brought him home. I don't remember much else.
• Will's first Christmas was so fun. I'll do a separate blog post for that. It was wonderful to have a little one seeing his first Christmas. The older kids were awesome. We got to Skype with Braeden from Riga, Latvia. Lots of laughter and gratitude. I made our traditional chiles rellenos dinner, but this time I had lots of help.
• Chelsea, Matt, and Carly came for the week of New Years. They got to meet Will for the first time! Carly and Will were shy at first, but they recognized each other from our Skype sessions. Then they were pretty inseparable/adorable. We got lots of snow! The kids had lots of snow play in the yard. Will loves snow. It was sad to say good bye.
• My surgery (my first ever) went well. So weird to be awake and blinking one minute and then waking up to a new world--a world of agonizing fire the size of a basketball in your back. They hurried and got the pain meds in me. Gah. I went home an hour post-surgery. I had my phone alarms set for meds. Brandon took really good care of me that first week. I don't really remember it. My surgery was on Tuesday. The next morning I said, "It's Wednesday, right?" He said, "It's Friday." He must have taken really good care of me.
• A week after my surgery, Braeden returned home from his 2-year mission in the Baltics. I didn't get to go to the airport, so I waited at home. I was using a walker at this point but couldn't get in a car. My friends Sara and Laura went and took lots of pictures and video. Yay for friends! When Braeden came to the door, and I was able to hold him, it felt like a piece of my heart was in its place again. He stayed by my side and talked to me a lot while I rested.
• The following week, Brandon had to return to work and Braeden was job hunting, so Will and I went to my mom and dad's house. That was a dream. They both took such excellent care of me and Will. The craziest thing was when they set up our (me and my sibling's) old crib for Will! They still had it! They helped me through tears, we laughed, they made sure I rested and exercised, and fed me a lot of really good food. Will absolutely loved it there. I stayed for two weeks. I did a lot of healing, inside and out.
• My second grandchild, Brady Robert Bare, was born on February 10. He's adorable and has the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. It broke my heart not to be there, but Matt's mom, Gigi, was able to be there and help Chelsea afterward. I'm so grateful for good, helping mothers.
• Back home, Braeden had found an afternoon-to-late-hours job, so he was able to take care of Will (and finally get to know his new brother) and me until Will's naptime. Maren would come home from school after that. Braeden went from never having changed a diaper to being Mr. Mom. It was great. I was up to walking 0.9 miles in 40 minutes. That's the lowest speed on the treadmill, but the fact that I could be upright and walking for 40 minutes was awesome. I was starting gentle yoga. My back pain had gone from a burning sack of lava to two small jagged rocks pressing against each other. I was pleased with that.
• Most of my family and some of Brandon's family were able to come for Will's baby blessing. I was worried about Will having a meltdown during the blessing, I prayed about it. My answer came simply: Have Will shake hands and say the name of all the men taking part in the blessing, and then give him a cookie while he sits on Grampa Anglesey's (my dad's) lap. Maren made cookies that morning. It worked beautifully. Brandon gave him a blessing while Will happily munched on a big homemade cookie on Grampa's lap, surrounded by all these friends he'd just greeted. And know what? The cookie was made by Gramma A, Because they'd had the same idea. Will ate Maren's cookie afterward. :)
• That same Sunday, Braeden gave his mission homecoming talk. It was a memorable day, and the first day I'd been to church since December. The family came over for food after. I loved that. I love my house full of people.
• Late February something went really wrong. I had a sore throat and slight fever, no biggie. Then one night my legs started burning, like they were on fire. By morning the fire had spread through my whole body and by the next morning every joint--from my toes, ankles, knees to every joint and  knuckle in my hands were frozen hot. On top of this, it felt like every nerve in my body was plugged into an electric generator. I couldn't move. My muscles were slack and I was terrified. I called the doctor and he could see me in two days. I would spend an hour working out the stiffness in my joints enough so someone could help me out of bed to use the bathroom. I walked like a drunk robot, having to really focus on my muscles for them to move. I couldn't raise my arms to eat. I had no appetite. I lost 6 lbs in a week. One night my breathing was very soft and shallow. I felt like a burning husk. My eyes teared constantly. I was scared. I took stock of my life and thought I'd done okay. Dramatic, I know, but that's what I did.
• The doctor referred me back to my surgeon as soon as possible. In the meantime, he prescribed me Neurontin. It helped dial back the burning and I no longer woke up with frozen joints. It smoothed out my movement. It helped me sleep. I love Neurontin. I still felt a continual buzz coursing through my nerves, and the whole inside of my mouth and my tongue tingled like pop rocks.
• The next week my surgeon referred me to a neurologist. The appointment was at the end of May, two months out. He guessed that a virus was attacking my nervous system. So I had two months to dwell on that. I had a brain MRI and blood work. Both came back normal.
• Physically, I had to start back at the beginning, walking 10 minutes, completely exhausted after. I'm so grateful Braeden was home for a while before going to BYU for spring semester. And Brandon totally stepped up to take care of anything else on top of his own demanding responsibilities. He became Super Brandon. He did things I didn't know he could do. He's been holding out. ;) I love Super Brandon.
• I couldn't write anything during all of this time. The pain would just overpower any focus. I could barely read. The medicines made me tired. The idea of writing romance was as far away from me as was running a marathon. My publisher, Covenant, was so patient with me, moving my deadline dates further and further ahead, and encouraging me to put myself and my family first. Thank you, Covenant.
• Separate from the nerve issue, my back was getting lots of rest, and gratefully, continued to strengthen. So much so that as long as I was careful and didn't lose my balance or get jostled, the back pain became secondary to everything else. That was helpful, and as the pain subsided, I was able to focus and start writing again. As long as I could stay awake. I started back up on the novel I'd had to abandon, and the words came.
• Braeden left for college. Brandon took him to Provo and that weekend they were able to attend Brady's baby blessing. I missed them both. I missed them all.
• Jacob gashed his shin open on a hurdle. For the first time ever, I took Jacob to the hospital. For the first time ever, I saw my kid's bone. Kinda cool. I'll spare you the pics. We were there for 4.5 hours and I didn't bring my pain meds. He sang songs to me while we waited. My favorite was Pat Benatar's "We Belong." We were both hobbling back to the car when all was done. But we were rock stars.
• Maren's knee caps had been randomly popping out over the past year. Very painful. She'd shove them back in and cry and we'd get her on ice and ibuprofen. It was becoming more frequent. The doctor took xrays and found both of her patellas are an inch too high. She'll need surgery on both knees. We're enjoying trips to the PT as they strengthen her up in preparation for that. Hooray. O_O
• Will has been a champ with all of this transition. When I was down, he'd bring me books to read and pretend meals from his kitchen. He'd say, "Mommy back hurt." Or "Cheek?" and I'd lean as best as I could while he reached up and rub my cheek softly, saying, "It's okay. It's okay." Melt. My. Heart.
• I worked hard to keep walking and tone up my muscles the best I could. Brandon and I decided that I would fly to Provo the first week of May and attend a day of my favorite writers conference and see my friends, and then spend a few days with Chelsea and her family, Braeden, and finally hold my grandson. Physically, the trip wore me out. Emotionally, it was very healing. I loved it. My friend Sarah Eden loaned me her cane, and I'm so glad she did. By the end of my conference day I could hardly walk, but without the cane I would have been done a lot sooner. Hooray for the cane brigade!
• I'm skipping to the end, because really I've just been resting and exercising and waiting for my neurologist appointment without trying to self-diagnose with unnerving online information.
• NEUROLOGIST APPOINTMENT: The neurologist suspected either a lesion on my spinal cord (formed as I healed from surgery), or a virus attacking my myelin sheath (the protective covering of the nerves themselves). I had another MRI of my back to look for signs of lesions. We looked over all my other images, too. That was trippy, seeing side and top cross-sections of my head. Hello, eyeballs. You are HUGE. Anyway, it all looked clean. My back is healing well, nice spaces there. No signs of lesions anywhere. Which is GREAT, but he had to go back to my symptoms and test results.
• Diagnosis: Transverse Myelitis. Which means a virus (or trauma of some kind) compromised the myelin sheath. It will take a long time (months to years) to heal. But the odds are very good that I will heal. Here's how I explained it to my family: 

The neurologist compared it to hitting your funny bone (on a much larger scale). Something hit my nervous system and the onset was big and painful and rendered me pretty useless for a time. Then that twangy pain spread out to the rest of my body and is lingering. I thought that was a pretty fair comparison. Another description of how it affects my nervous system is that the connection between my brain and nerves is interfered with like static on a phone line.

SO. There's no cure. I just keep working at getting stronger. Exercise. Be careful. Vitamins. I'll probably add oils, too. It may take months-years, and the tingling sensation might never go away. But I should regain my strength and coordination as my myelin sheath heals. And that's good.

And that's where we are now. It's been two days since the diagnosis and a few things have been running through my mind. 1) I'm grateful to have a "something" to work toward instead of a blank. 2) I'm so grateful to those who've stepped up to help me and my family. 3) It's incredible how the absolutely important things rise to the top and the rest fades away simply because you are rendered incapable. It's a paradox, how freeing and how caging it feels. 4) You. My friends and family, and all of those who've prayed on my behalf, who are still praying, and who are wondering how I'm doing and hoping I'm okay. That's why I wrote this post. Because I know you're wondering. I'm overwhelmed by the number of you who care. But knowing that has buoyed me and helped me work harder.

So I'll keep working. And counting blessings. And doing what I always do. 

Climb.

Healing

It's been three months since we left China. Most of that time we've stayed to ourselves. There is a term used for an adjustment process when you bring adopted children home called "cocooning." Well, we were cocooning our family. I can't express how important it became to have our oldest daughter, Chelsea, there with her baby girl. And to have our son-in-law, Matt, join us later for Christmas. Maren, Jacob, Brandon, and I smiled much more often and bigger because of those three tootles.

Going out was hard. Putting on "normal" faces was hard. Friends were good and sweet to us. But we didn't attend too many things. When something like that happens, a loss, avoiding things that hurt or require effort is a survival tool. But we did venture out every once in a while. It was still hard. I didn't go anywhere by myself, and if Brandon was gone too long at work, I'd find myself curled in a ball on the bed, clutching my cell phone and waiting for him to return my texts.

Brandon went back to work, even though his boss said stay home. Work is his thing. So I let him work. He always came home and always held me tight.

Carly is the goofiest, talkiest, jamminest grandbaby there ever was. I may be biased. But it was super. I'd put her on the counter while I did my makeup in the morning and she would tell me everything. And then I'd have her on my hip while I stirred or sauteed or flipped in the kitchen, and she'd watch and listen to me tell her why we add blueberries to pancakes. And she began to stir the toy pot with the toy spoon in the toy kitchen and tell us why we add green peas to mac-n-cheese. And then there was the dancing. We boogied. We danced like everyone was watching.

None of Carly's words are English. She doesn't seem to care. She shrugs, throws her hands out, nods her head, gestures with pointing motions, and laughs heartily at the jokes. All in gibberish. Loud, confident gibberish. It was very healing for all of us.

When they left after New Year's we kind of had to start all over again. It was sad.

But we've come through deep sadness, bewilderment, anger, and doubt. We've considered a bigger picture, and gratitude, and "What now?" We are each healing at our own pace, and yet as a whole our home feels good. It no longer feels broken.

I hope Xinqin will find her way in life. She is very strong-willed, and frightened, but shrewd. I think she might be okay. I have to believe something like that or it starts to eat at me.

Maren is having the most difficult time of all of us. She lost a sister. It was like this whole big, huge, important life that she'd hoped and worked for...died. She blamed herself until I convinced her otherwise. Her usual happy, chipper, "Where's the party?" self had given way to cynicism and doubt. She gave me permission to post this. Last night she tearfully told me her friends tell her she's such a downer, and they no longer greet her in the halls or reach out to her. I had to tell her that they don't know. They just don't know how hard it's been at home. We never know how hard it is for anyone at home. But it was also a chance for her to look at the things she says and does, and to vow to make an effort to look up, to cheer others, and to come to me about anything. But mostly that it's okay that she's sad for a time, and it will get better. I think she trusts me about this.

We are beginning to go do things, and participate more. We're looking outside ourselves and hoping again. There is a different energy in our home.

Throughout all of this, though, we've been so blessed with immeasurable support from friends and family. I've received such kind emails, notes in the mail and dropped at our house. I treasure these. Somebody made a prayer page for us on Facebook, and honestly, at first I was mortified. But then I saw all of the people who joined so quickly. The outpouring of love and compassion has strengthened us and taught us that when people give, they do give unconditionally. Thank you.

We've drawn closer together as a family. We are changed. But I think things that become different can also become better.

Little Miracles, Big Cookies

The Yard Sale/Adoption Fundraiser was a ton of work, but worth it. The bake sale alone brought in $80. Those giant cookies sold all day. I wish I had a picture of the smiles on Maren and her friend Alyssa's faces as they handed customers their cookies or their change, or when the customers said, "Keep the change for your China girl." 

All the big things sold. Tons of the little things sold. It was a hub of bargain-hunting activity. At the end of the day we had made, what I believed, was enough to cover our next adoption fee installment.

But I was wrong.

Because I had thought the next installment was $700. So when I was going through our Dossier papers, due today, making sure we had all the documents, checking them against the mailer list, I had a nagging feeling I'd missed something. That $ number seemed too low.

I did check. And then I sent an email to our Dossier Specialist. And she affirmed my nagging feeling. The installment due was $700+$1500. Two payments for different things, due at the same time.

My heart sank and I broke down in tears. Had the house sold already as we hoped, this wouldn't be an issue. But it hasn't yet. We are between jobs. We are keeping our credit lidded because we need to qualify for a loan to buy our next house. We knew it was a risk. We were willing to take it. So we are using cash for everything. Including the adoption.

I know this is a bit personal, but I needed to share.

Because when I counted everything up, I was floored. The yard sale brought in just under $1500! This was incredible, and I was so grateful. I had not expected to bring in that much!

But it was not enough. And I didn't know where we would get the rest. I fell asleep crying, and praying.

When I woke up the next morning I remembered that we had a payment coming from selling our old truck. Our friends had bought the truck but didn't need it right away, so were letting us use it until the move. I made a call, and the payment was delivered without issue.

Which gave us enough to pay the adoption fee in full and on time.

So thank you. Thank you.

Xie xie.

The Power To Choose

Happy St. Patty's Day, everyone! Does anybody else think of Far and Away on this holiday? Shannon!

*sigh*
Actually, I haven't been feeling too well and I'm exhausted, but I thought a post might do me some good before I make myself go to bed early. That's right, a purely selfish post.

Last night I had a dream. I won't go into details, but I was confronted with an unpleasant prospect. And I am SO non-confrontational. But because it was a dream, I was able to keep my head, pause and gather myself and a small posse of my best girlfriends. They only stood behind me, but then I was ready. I felt like a part of the SuperFriends (wow, am I dating myself?). I could take what was coming and remain in control of my fears, my doubts, my hopes, and my strengths. I wasn't alone. And I had power. Not evil laugh I'm-going-to-rule-the-world power, because really, who would want to do that? Yet? (evil laugh). But I had the power to choose how I reacted to this onslaught. And I chose to strengthen myself with the presence of those I trusted, those who knew me, those who had faith in me.
SO, how is my dream so different from the trials I face in real, non-sleepy time? Even if I am alone and confronted, do I not have the power to gather the strength of those who love me? Who know me and have faith in me, even if all I can muster is the knowledge of God's love for me?
Just because I am non-confrontational does not mean I am weak. Just because a person doesn't like something, doesn't mean they aren't blessed with the abilities to get the job done... well.
So there you go. And thanks, SuperFriends. I knew I could count on you.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

It has been the oddest week. Just over a week, I guess. Just a series of not-so-great events and challenges, mixed with a reinforcement of how blessed I feel. Maybe one is because of the other. Not sure. Things aren't related. The difficult things, though, all came on so consecutively... I have begun to wonder... What is coming? Have you experienced this? A series of small trials occur, and then BAM, something significant happens, whether good or bad, and you think back and say, "Ohhh, that's why I had all that struggle."
1- I had to critique a dear friend's book and I'm still waiting for the backlash. It was a childrens book. Children are scathingly honest and she asked me to tell her what mine thought. Ugh. Why are my children so outspoken? They didn't get it from me. I wish I hadn't given her the notes.
2- I was patronized and critiqued myself, as a person, a member of the RS presidency, and Bishop's wife, by a person I was just beginning to know and like, who barely knows me at all.
3- My friend was injured likewise.
4- A neighbor I have seen once before visited me early Monday morning (still in my workout clothes, yuck) and verbally assaulted me (I was alone) and my family over the behavior of our dog, who we have been worrying about and trying to train... she loves to bark... so much that after much progress this summer, she decided to ignore the shock collar and burned a sore on her throat. We bring her in at night and when the temp. drops, but we have been talking, sadly, about letting her go, unsure what to do other than make her a full-time house-dog. She's big and sheds like a... a really sheddy dog. Then Mr. Miserable came over and tore into me, and then the kids, and then me again, leaving me in a pile of quivering, kicked, mess of tears and failure. His hatred was so strong I had to wonder if there was more to this than the dog. Like, maybe our kids were using his yard for a toilet, or our teenage daughter is continually driving up the sidewalk and over his lawn, or we're having loud, wild parties every night and the police keep showing up, and we just don't remember, which would explain why B is always so tired, the parties on top of running a high school and filling his duties as Bishop of our church ward. Maybe the man hates sunflowers, which lined our corner fence across the street from his house. Maybe he is a miserable old man who finds anything wrong with anybody and berates them because he was one of the first houses in the neighborhood and feels it is his duty, and maybe we're not the first ones. This last part is true, as we found out from his neighbor on the other side, who then told us he wasn't bothered a bit by our dog... never noticed she was different from any of the other dozen dogs in the neighborhood. But still, it took me a few days to recover from the abusive tirade. Still feeling it, actually. It helped that Brandon's friends (and mine) at work all offered to go over there and lay into him, egg his house, burn profanities in his lawn with gasoline, flip him off every time they drove by, and a myriad of other testosterone-backed hi-jinks that would not have helped at all, but it sure felt great to be championed. Thanks, guys. And thanks, Jim, for the super shocker hi-voltage whack-your-sweet-dog-into-another-dimension shock collar. It actually seems to be working. I think we'll still try to find a place for her... maybe. And B, thanks for going over there and telling him never to talk to me again.  And you never said 'I told you so' about wanting a dog. Not once. Love you.
5- This last one is small. Actually, I'm not even going to mention it. Just stressed over the book club, wanting it to work out. Okay, I mentioned it.

But it's been a strange string of events, among excellent reports at P/T conferences, championship football games (GO BRONCS), new opportunities for service in the community and church, found out what an awesome trumpet player Jacob is at his first concert ever, LOVE my ward family, LOVE that Braeden is happy in school and getting the challenges he needs, LOVE that Chelsea is having fun with real friends, LOVE Maren still loves dance, LOVE my B is working out again.

So, are these trials preparation? Or the cunning of the adversary, wanting to discourage us? Maybe I'm wrong this time, but I am working through these things, and wondering. Experience has made me both wary and hopeful. What is coming?