Easter 2017

This phase of life is so crazy. Last year we had both boys (Braeden and Jacob) home with us, Maren, and it was Will's first Easter. This year Jacob is in Spain on his mission (I really need to update this family blog) and Braeden is at BYU, and we wondered if Maren and Will would be on their own this year. But then on the phone, Carly told me she was coming to Gramma K's house for Easter, and just like that, full house again! I'm so thankful Chelsea and Matt brought their family to our home to celebrate Easter, and that it's easier to do now that they're in Portland, Oregon. There is always work when family comes, but Chelsea brought half of the feast and two adorable grandbabies, and I made a special effort to feel the Spirit and ponder what the Atonement has meant to me, even as I pushed my body too hard for my family. I made a special effort to consider how I can improve, and to be mindful of how my actions and words affect my loved ones, and also how to take better care of me. I am still learning to be a better daughter, a better wife, and a better mom. I'm thankful for the example Jesus Christ has set for me, that he is my light in the darkness, and I'm thankful for those miraculous words, "He is risen!"

Coloring the Easter eggs. 

Grabbing a few pictures before church. Kids were nice and wiggly for us.

The Egg Hunt

Happy Easter!

Climbing

photo by skeez. public domain.

Hey, Hi. It's occurred to me that I haven't posted since September. I was shocked to see that. Not because I'm so punctual when it comes to this blog, but because it seems like only a couple of months ago that I was posting about Jacob's football season. So much has happened--things kind of derailed at the end of football season, so I thought instead of a long, drawn-out explanation of things, I'd just make a bullet list and try not to meander...as I tend to do.

• My back took a turn for the worse. Probably because of all the extra work of a toddler. My injured back was injured more and nose-dived around Halloween. I didn't get to take Will trick-or-treating. He was a little dragon. My costume was "writer with a back injury." Brandon stepped up (a sign of things to come) and took Will around the cul-de-sac. They both loved it. Will was astonished by candy bars.
• After an MRI it was determined that I (finally) needed surgery to repair a collapsed disc. The image was scary. I was very eager to have it fixed. Surgery was scheduled for January 12, 2016.
• My sister hosted Thanksgiving. It was the first time I didn't bring pie. Or maybe I did. I don't remember. I was on heavy painkillers. I do know I brought one of the turkeys. It was beautiful and the whole dinner was delicious. I remember Will hated his port-a-crib and I got two hours of sleep between 6-8 am, when Brandon finally took him out of the room. It was his first time staying somewhere else since we brought him home. I don't remember much else.
• Will's first Christmas was so fun. I'll do a separate blog post for that. It was wonderful to have a little one seeing his first Christmas. The older kids were awesome. We got to Skype with Braeden from Riga, Latvia. Lots of laughter and gratitude. I made our traditional chiles rellenos dinner, but this time I had lots of help.
• Chelsea, Matt, and Carly came for the week of New Years. They got to meet Will for the first time! Carly and Will were shy at first, but they recognized each other from our Skype sessions. Then they were pretty inseparable/adorable. We got lots of snow! The kids had lots of snow play in the yard. Will loves snow. It was sad to say good bye.
• My surgery (my first ever) went well. So weird to be awake and blinking one minute and then waking up to a new world--a world of agonizing fire the size of a basketball in your back. They hurried and got the pain meds in me. Gah. I went home an hour post-surgery. I had my phone alarms set for meds. Brandon took really good care of me that first week. I don't really remember it. My surgery was on Tuesday. The next morning I said, "It's Wednesday, right?" He said, "It's Friday." He must have taken really good care of me.
• A week after my surgery, Braeden returned home from his 2-year mission in the Baltics. I didn't get to go to the airport, so I waited at home. I was using a walker at this point but couldn't get in a car. My friends Sara and Laura went and took lots of pictures and video. Yay for friends! When Braeden came to the door, and I was able to hold him, it felt like a piece of my heart was in its place again. He stayed by my side and talked to me a lot while I rested.
• The following week, Brandon had to return to work and Braeden was job hunting, so Will and I went to my mom and dad's house. That was a dream. They both took such excellent care of me and Will. The craziest thing was when they set up our (me and my sibling's) old crib for Will! They still had it! They helped me through tears, we laughed, they made sure I rested and exercised, and fed me a lot of really good food. Will absolutely loved it there. I stayed for two weeks. I did a lot of healing, inside and out.
• My second grandchild, Brady Robert Bare, was born on February 10. He's adorable and has the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. It broke my heart not to be there, but Matt's mom, Gigi, was able to be there and help Chelsea afterward. I'm so grateful for good, helping mothers.
• Back home, Braeden had found an afternoon-to-late-hours job, so he was able to take care of Will (and finally get to know his new brother) and me until Will's naptime. Maren would come home from school after that. Braeden went from never having changed a diaper to being Mr. Mom. It was great. I was up to walking 0.9 miles in 40 minutes. That's the lowest speed on the treadmill, but the fact that I could be upright and walking for 40 minutes was awesome. I was starting gentle yoga. My back pain had gone from a burning sack of lava to two small jagged rocks pressing against each other. I was pleased with that.
• Most of my family and some of Brandon's family were able to come for Will's baby blessing. I was worried about Will having a meltdown during the blessing, I prayed about it. My answer came simply: Have Will shake hands and say the name of all the men taking part in the blessing, and then give him a cookie while he sits on Grampa Anglesey's (my dad's) lap. Maren made cookies that morning. It worked beautifully. Brandon gave him a blessing while Will happily munched on a big homemade cookie on Grampa's lap, surrounded by all these friends he'd just greeted. And know what? The cookie was made by Gramma A, Because they'd had the same idea. Will ate Maren's cookie afterward. :)
• That same Sunday, Braeden gave his mission homecoming talk. It was a memorable day, and the first day I'd been to church since December. The family came over for food after. I loved that. I love my house full of people.
• Late February something went really wrong. I had a sore throat and slight fever, no biggie. Then one night my legs started burning, like they were on fire. By morning the fire had spread through my whole body and by the next morning every joint--from my toes, ankles, knees to every joint and  knuckle in my hands were frozen hot. On top of this, it felt like every nerve in my body was plugged into an electric generator. I couldn't move. My muscles were slack and I was terrified. I called the doctor and he could see me in two days. I would spend an hour working out the stiffness in my joints enough so someone could help me out of bed to use the bathroom. I walked like a drunk robot, having to really focus on my muscles for them to move. I couldn't raise my arms to eat. I had no appetite. I lost 6 lbs in a week. One night my breathing was very soft and shallow. I felt like a burning husk. My eyes teared constantly. I was scared. I took stock of my life and thought I'd done okay. Dramatic, I know, but that's what I did.
• The doctor referred me back to my surgeon as soon as possible. In the meantime, he prescribed me Neurontin. It helped dial back the burning and I no longer woke up with frozen joints. It smoothed out my movement. It helped me sleep. I love Neurontin. I still felt a continual buzz coursing through my nerves, and the whole inside of my mouth and my tongue tingled like pop rocks.
• The next week my surgeon referred me to a neurologist. The appointment was at the end of May, two months out. He guessed that a virus was attacking my nervous system. So I had two months to dwell on that. I had a brain MRI and blood work. Both came back normal.
• Physically, I had to start back at the beginning, walking 10 minutes, completely exhausted after. I'm so grateful Braeden was home for a while before going to BYU for spring semester. And Brandon totally stepped up to take care of anything else on top of his own demanding responsibilities. He became Super Brandon. He did things I didn't know he could do. He's been holding out. ;) I love Super Brandon.
• I couldn't write anything during all of this time. The pain would just overpower any focus. I could barely read. The medicines made me tired. The idea of writing romance was as far away from me as was running a marathon. My publisher, Covenant, was so patient with me, moving my deadline dates further and further ahead, and encouraging me to put myself and my family first. Thank you, Covenant.
• Separate from the nerve issue, my back was getting lots of rest, and gratefully, continued to strengthen. So much so that as long as I was careful and didn't lose my balance or get jostled, the back pain became secondary to everything else. That was helpful, and as the pain subsided, I was able to focus and start writing again. As long as I could stay awake. I started back up on the novel I'd had to abandon, and the words came.
• Braeden left for college. Brandon took him to Provo and that weekend they were able to attend Brady's baby blessing. I missed them both. I missed them all.
• Jacob gashed his shin open on a hurdle. For the first time ever, I took Jacob to the hospital. For the first time ever, I saw my kid's bone. Kinda cool. I'll spare you the pics. We were there for 4.5 hours and I didn't bring my pain meds. He sang songs to me while we waited. My favorite was Pat Benatar's "We Belong." We were both hobbling back to the car when all was done. But we were rock stars.
• Maren's knee caps had been randomly popping out over the past year. Very painful. She'd shove them back in and cry and we'd get her on ice and ibuprofen. It was becoming more frequent. The doctor took xrays and found both of her patellas are an inch too high. She'll need surgery on both knees. We're enjoying trips to the PT as they strengthen her up in preparation for that. Hooray. O_O
• Will has been a champ with all of this transition. When I was down, he'd bring me books to read and pretend meals from his kitchen. He'd say, "Mommy back hurt." Or "Cheek?" and I'd lean as best as I could while he reached up and rub my cheek softly, saying, "It's okay. It's okay." Melt. My. Heart.
• I worked hard to keep walking and tone up my muscles the best I could. Brandon and I decided that I would fly to Provo the first week of May and attend a day of my favorite writers conference and see my friends, and then spend a few days with Chelsea and her family, Braeden, and finally hold my grandson. Physically, the trip wore me out. Emotionally, it was very healing. I loved it. My friend Sarah Eden loaned me her cane, and I'm so glad she did. By the end of my conference day I could hardly walk, but without the cane I would have been done a lot sooner. Hooray for the cane brigade!
• I'm skipping to the end, because really I've just been resting and exercising and waiting for my neurologist appointment without trying to self-diagnose with unnerving online information.
• NEUROLOGIST APPOINTMENT: The neurologist suspected either a lesion on my spinal cord (formed as I healed from surgery), or a virus attacking my myelin sheath (the protective covering of the nerves themselves). I had another MRI of my back to look for signs of lesions. We looked over all my other images, too. That was trippy, seeing side and top cross-sections of my head. Hello, eyeballs. You are HUGE. Anyway, it all looked clean. My back is healing well, nice spaces there. No signs of lesions anywhere. Which is GREAT, but he had to go back to my symptoms and test results.
• Diagnosis: Transverse Myelitis. Which means a virus (or trauma of some kind) compromised the myelin sheath. It will take a long time (months to years) to heal. But the odds are very good that I will heal. Here's how I explained it to my family: 

The neurologist compared it to hitting your funny bone (on a much larger scale). Something hit my nervous system and the onset was big and painful and rendered me pretty useless for a time. Then that twangy pain spread out to the rest of my body and is lingering. I thought that was a pretty fair comparison. Another description of how it affects my nervous system is that the connection between my brain and nerves is interfered with like static on a phone line.

SO. There's no cure. I just keep working at getting stronger. Exercise. Be careful. Vitamins. I'll probably add oils, too. It may take months-years, and the tingling sensation might never go away. But I should regain my strength and coordination as my myelin sheath heals. And that's good.

And that's where we are now. It's been two days since the diagnosis and a few things have been running through my mind. 1) I'm grateful to have a "something" to work toward instead of a blank. 2) I'm so grateful to those who've stepped up to help me and my family. 3) It's incredible how the absolutely important things rise to the top and the rest fades away simply because you are rendered incapable. It's a paradox, how freeing and how caging it feels. 4) You. My friends and family, and all of those who've prayed on my behalf, who are still praying, and who are wondering how I'm doing and hoping I'm okay. That's why I wrote this post. Because I know you're wondering. I'm overwhelmed by the number of you who care. But knowing that has buoyed me and helped me work harder.

So I'll keep working. And counting blessings. And doing what I always do. 

Climb.

Two-Month Anniversary: Gotcha Day

I finally uploaded this video and I'm amazed at the changes in Will since we first met him on July 20. In a lot of ways he was more like a 9-month old baby on that day and even that first week, instead of a 25-month old little boy. I can see his detachment and discomfort (not surprising considering he was just passed off to strangers), the way he's leaning away and even his legs are not engaged in being held. Now when we hold him we note his "tree frog" grip. Even his toes grip us tight, and his arms rest on our necks as he is happily packed here and there, asking us what everything is called. In the video he only makes eye-contact a few times. But I also see glimpses of the toddler just waiting for a chance to be heard, listened to, taught. I see a brave little boy who is choosing to observe and wait and see what exactly is happening before he allows fear to take over his emotions. It did, eventually, and what a road we've had facing those fears. But he didn't let it keep him from coming to us, and that was brave.



I simply handed him a toy car, and he was willing to come right to me. And when it was time to leave that chaotic room and see what was outside, he was willing to come with us again. He's an explorer. An observer. A question-asker. A risk-taker. Thank goodness.

I prefer watching this video without the sound. The sounds of that room and China still make me a little nuts. But I'm in total caregiver mode asking those questions. That's pretty much all the info we got. But Brandon, Will, and I had each other and we did what we could with experience and what we'd studied, and focused on what worked and what didn't. He's a different little boy now. Not totally, but it's like he'd been bucked off-track the first two years and now he's returned to becoming himself. He's finally turning over his "inner parent" to us, and trusting us to do that job for him, and to do it better. That alone has eliminated half the battles, and he's having a childhood. He plays, he laughs, he pushes boundaries and his body, and if he gets frustrated or hurt, he turns it over to us. Mama will help. Dada will make it better. Will will be okay. Will isn't alone anymore. Will has Mama, Dada, Meh-en, Eckob, Dog, and Beh. He looks at family pictures and knows Chessa, M't, A-Car, Bampa, Bamba, and Sheh. He hears Brodie barking at the front door and goes running to see who's there, and squeals in utter, really LOUD delight when it's Dada or Eckob or anyone from his little tribe. That's right, now we have the dog barking AND the baby screaming at the front door when somebody comes. WELCOME. We are so excited to have you WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE'RE CUUUUUTE.

 He is a sweet little man. I recently read on an adoption blog, addressing the traumatic state of your adoption those first days, that "the child you get in China is not your child." It's true. They find themselves later. They just need to be given that chance.

I wanted to take some new video to post with the Gotcha Day video, so yesterday I took the camera outside. He got pretty quiet for the camera, but we had fun exploring, This is a pretty typical day out back with Willster. (Please ignore the space of dirt where the pool used to be. We're getting sod put down soon! I hope...)







What we're seeing:

GROWTH: Will has grown from being in the less-than-3% in weight and height, to 6% in weight and 12% in height. Everything is looking good in his development. We are humbled and grateful. He loves to move that little body. If his bathtime play is any indication, he should be a little swimmer next summer.

SLEEP: He's taking his bottle again. 6oz of warm whole milk (with a scoop of formula added until the container is empty) for nap and bedtime. He's doing great with sleep. He rarely wakes up at night, now. HOORAY.

REGULATION: Today was Will's first full day of church. All three hours. His behavior is very typically toddler, and that's great. He likes nursery and interacts pretty nicely with the kids. He offers them cars and gives them back things they've dropped. Today he pushed a wooden ring back and forth across the table with a little girl. I'm happy to see he gets along well with others his age. He had moments of potential meltdown, but there was always some distraction and he pushed through it okay. We kept bear handy just in case, and used it a few times, but overall, he seems to really like it in there. HOORAY. It definitely helps that my new church job is nursery assistant. Perfect!

Last week we took Will to Sacrament meeting and then a little preview of nursery.
He seemed to accept it as just part of what we do. Because we're a family.
Also, couldn't you just squish him?

COMMUNICATION: Will is pretending to talk on his toy phone. He says, "Haloo." Then nods his head like he's listening. Then he says some gibberish, then hands the phone off to someone else to say "Haloo." He started this after talking to my mom and then Chelsea on the phone. It's adorable. New words: tah...tah...tah (hot; this is whispered), tee (eat), Bampa/Bamba (Grampa and Gramma), Sheh (Shelli), gwink-oo (thank you), quock (clock), sit (kiss), nigh (good night), lebelblelblelbel (Llama Llama), MEEEEEYA...MEEEEEEYA (Come here! It's usually yelled from somewhere I am not. I noticed I say it a lot in the videos, ha).

Happy Anniversary, Will. It has all been totally worth it.

Update on Will the Brave

We've been home six weeks from China and I've been so busy with Will, back-to-school, appointments, and a few projects, that I haven't conjured up the time to post an update. Well, abra kadabra, here you go.

ADORABLENESS: HE IS FULL OF IT. His personality is big and his enthusiasm and determination makes for pretty fun antics. He's entertaining and he knows it. His "toddlerness" is pretty spot on and we laugh, grimace, cushion, and encourage. Lots of laughing, though. And face-palming.

Mowing the lawn like Dad.

ALL

BY

HIS

OWN

LITTLE

SELF.

COPING SKILLS: Will is continuing to absorb this new life and leave the old one behind. He is gaining new coping skills and uses them. He learned "soft" ("dahh") and he has attached to his teddy bear. This was huge, as he had zero interest in any stuffed animal from the beginning, and honestly, we only kept three in the crib to use as soft barriers between his head and the crib railings. But one morning he woke up and played the name game (he points to his chest and says "Will," then points to something else and I tell him its name, then repeat), but this time he pointed to each of his stuffed animals. I was surprised, because I didn't know he even noticed them.
"Will?" He points.
"Bear."
"Will?" He points.
"Racoon."
"Will?" He points.
"Llama llama."
Repeat the next couple of days.
Then one morning he woke up and held up one of the animals in triumph. "BEH!" And he noted Beh was soft. "Dahh." And he wanted Beh to come with us to breakfast. And to read books. And in the car. And pretty soon Will would make Beh dance and he'd sing, "Doo dee doo dee doo." And if Will fell or got frustrated and was angry or too deregulated to want or see me, I could give him Beh and we would say "Dahh. Dahh. Dahh." and pet Beh's soft fur, and Will would calm down and see me again. If Beh wasn't around, we used our dog Brodie. "Dahh. Dahh. Dahh." Soft. "It's okay. Soft. Soft. It's okay." And Will would calm down. And sometimes, if Beh or Brodie were not available, and a meltdown was beginning, I would take Will's hand and we'd rub his own arm or cheek and say, "Soft. Soft." And Will would take a breath and say, "Dahh. Dahh." Last night as I was putting him to bed, he was a bit wound up and refusing his bottle and just being a toot. But it was 9:30 and we both needed sleep. I was frustrated about the bottle and was moving him to a different position, and he started to kick. But as I settled him into the crook of my arm, his hand went to his cheek and he said, "Dahh. Dahh. Dahh," stroking his own cheek. This was a choice he made, at a point where, weeks before, he would have been hurting himself as his coping mechanism and losing control. It was a small little thing and he only did it the little bit before settling down and letting me rock him, but I was moved by the magnitude of this switch in his thought process. "Will is soft, and Will can calm down, and be soft to Will. Just like Beh." It's not every time, and it's not always enough, but baby steps. Awesome little huge baby steps.

Will and Beh just before bedtime. Sleepy-face.

COMMUNICATION: As I mentioned, Will plays a name game. He asks for the name of lots of things. Sometimes he attempts to repeat, sometimes he just listens. Then a few days later he starts using the word. So, new words: ha-lo (hello), peeez? (please--he's caught on that I melt when he says this so of course it's one of his manipulation tactics), qua (crib), phhinn (fan--he's a little obsessed with our ceiling fans and struggles with words that begin with F, so he practices this a lot), nigh (good night), Beh (bear), oo-foo (shoes), buh-bo (button), fow-feh (flower), cuck (truck), tsi-tsi (sit), nah (done), on..mmm...eee...GO! (one, two, three, GO!), ummeee (yummy), buh (book), luh-ow-loo (I love you). We finally Skyped with his niece, Carly (ha that sounds so weird), and they were pretty cute. They stared at each other for awhile with little smiles on their faces, then they both pointed and called each other "baby." Then Carly waved her big hand wave and Will returned it with his little finger wave and Chelsea and I were pretty much wishing we weren't four states away.

SLEEP: We've made big strides in sleep. Every once in a while he'll fight going to sleep, or wake up at night once or twice, but it's becoming more normal for him to go to sleep and sleep through the night. He's starting to refuse his bottle or just drink two ounces, or he'll drink eight. So I don't know. I'm switching him gradually from formula to milk so maybe that has something to do with it. Oh well. But I'm definitely grateful for more regular sleep. He hasn't had any night terrors lately. Most of the time when he wakes up I'm greeted with an enthusiastic "HI!" hands thrown up in the air, big grin, and a quick grab of Beh before he leaves the crib. Pretty fantastic. If he wakes up grumpy, we're in for a long day, ha.

SOCIALIZING: We've had a visit from my sister and her family, a day trip to my parents' house, we took Will to Jacob's football scrimmage and a staff BBQ, I take Will walking in the mornings with my friends Sara and Laura, and we've ventured to Maren's dental appointments, junior high orientation, Costco, the grocery store, JoAnn Fabric, and even Hobby Lobby really quickly. He's doing pretty well as long as the trips aren't too long (he did NOT like the trip to Kennewick; however, he LOVED my parents) and we have snacks. The school orientation was too much. But he does love being in the car and seems to enjoy the car seat as long as it's not more than thirty minutes. And he is social, saying "Hi!" and "Car!" to anyone he thinks might be interested. So we practice. We were going to take him to church today, but he's been fighting a cough and cold, and yesterday the same thing hit Brandon hard, so they stayed home together and I GOT TO GO TO CHURCH. Yay! The cute thing is, Will totally loves Brandon. They play together really well, and we can see Will kind of showing off for him when he gets home from work, like, "See what I learned to do today? Watch me do it even louder and stronger!" I think Brandon likes that extra cause to smile after a long day at work. Pretty sweet.

So, we've been up and down and all around, but hopefully moving forward. In trying to describe to friends the changes we see in Will compared to those first weeks, I told them it was like we are seeing him filling up with water and coming alive. Before, he was surviving. But he's beginning to live.